Why Transition?

Born and raised in the small northern mining town of Flin Flon, Manitoba, Mikayla Odut (she/her) knew she was different. She knew she didn't fit in with the boys, but wasn't one of the girls. From only a young age, she nagged her parents for a purple shirt and had Polly Pockets on her Christmas list. It was one holiday this was even used against her: she received a HotWheels racetrack as a punishment from Santa for being so bad! It would take DECADES to gain the vocabulary and insight needed to release her true self from within...

While I aged, I played with my sister's toys as often as possible, and saved my dog poop cleaning cash to buy art supplies and dolls. Early thoughts of physical dysphoria came while still in elementary, where I had dreams of cutting off my external genitalia and fantasized of growing my hair to a flowy, beautiful mane. I thrived in piano lessons, art workshops; exhibited sensitivity, humility, and intense unexplainable emotions. While I aged, I had no one to relate to; no one like me. As cliques formed, I was exiled from hanging around the girls. I felt desolate around the boys. I didn't belong. I wanted to skip swim class because I felt when we had to change and dress, the person I was wasn't a young man. It was terrifying to show my body and be vulnerable in that space with my male classmates. I felt like an outsider in my own skin, and I knew I didn't belong as is.

Life was lonely. Humiliating. Excruciating.

When the chance to start fresh came, I dove for it. I moved to Ottawa, not even admitted into the post-secondary program I wanted. That's when my whole life changed. Perspectives opened. Opportunities arose. I felt like I wasn't constrained to the person who I was; but now had endless possibilities to feel a contentedness in myself that I never had envisioned before. Experiencing a breadth of personalities, careers, styles, cultures, identities, and possibilities, I knew this city was a place for me. 

One thing I learned of and encountered for the first time here was transgender people. They were friendly, warm, bubbly, kind, passionate, and full of life. Nothing like the fear I had heard about in media; or the concern that was a topic of distress after a Sunday family dinner. As my life chugged along, I looked at myself differently. I reflected on times where I felt excluded. There was one common theme:

All the times I felt discontent with myself were those which I was excluded from women's groups and activities. 

After excessive self-reflection, research, experimentation, and years of emptiness, I determined a change that was right for me. I knew I was a woman. I knew this suited me; inside and out. I had FINALLY connected my childhood insecurities and desires. My unhappiness made sense. The person I currently was wasn't me, and never could be me. I saw potential, a real  possibility for a life-changing happiness. My thoughts were clear: I changed everything, and never looked back even for a second. The second I embraced life as Mikayla, my eyes were looking through a new lens. I saw a life full of fervor, hope, and a potential for happiness and success. 

The moment I pursued a full transition, my life changed forever. 

It was slow to start. I was met with some confusion and much questioning. I get it; I didn't look any different but was asking to be seen differently by others. Many understood the necessity, and stood up for my respect on my behalf. Others were slow to catch on; and I respected the learning process. Changing a mindset of someone who had known me for years simply won't come overnight. I'm grateful for everyone who I know and have known that had respected me as we both relearn who I am. 

Over time, life became simpler. I looked like a woman and gained respect as one, and now, not a person can even suspect that I lived as a man for 21 years. Life is right, and I've had more growth and development since I've committed, mostly due to my confidence and security in myself. 

I'm grateful for my community of close support: my family, friends, colleagues, fellow freelancers, and my beautiful partner Elijah whom I share a life-changing monogamous relationship with. The path I'm on is one of pride and resilience; and certainly not one without struggle. All things considered, I'm confident that I'll continue to come out ahead.

Love,

Ms. Mikayla Ann Odut